There are all kinds of people who get married! The experience of wedding planning as an LGBTQ+ couple is not always the same experience that a hetero, cis-gendered couple has. As a wedding planner that’s based in Chicago and plans weddings all over the country, I have worked with all kinds of couples and I have heard the experiences of LGBTQ+ couples. The wedding industry is extremely binary, even today. Many publications, blogs, vendors, and documents have binary language. Many vendors are not educated about gender pronouns. Marketing for weddings is also binary - there are often photos of white, straight, cis-gendered couples on social media and publications. When LGBTQ+ people and people of color don’t see themselves represented it can make wedding planning very challenging.

At Fierce Productions one of our core values is inclusivity. We partner with small, local, woman, BIPOC, and LGBTQ+ businesses. We work with all kinds of couple no matter who they are or who they love. We are always learning how to make our business and our business practices more inclusive! We have had the absolute honor of working with several Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, Non-Binary and Queer couples and we have learned so much from them. Here is what we have learned below! We have also included an interview with one of our favorite LGBTQ+ couples we worked with recently. Check it out and let us know if we missed anything. We are always learning!

Photo credit: Michelle Lytle Photography | LGBTQ Wedding Venue Chicago - Lytle House

Tips for LGBTQ+ couples planning their wedding:

Vet your Vendors! Make sure you select vendors that are explicit about their ally ship. Check out their social media and their website - do you see yourself represented? What kind of language are they using? What other businesses are they partnering with?
Write your own rule book. You can write your own script. This is your wedding. No one else’s! Dare to be different. Be yourself. What are things that you love? When you look around your home what do you see? What are you attracted to when it comes to design? What books do you love? What music? Incorporate it into your ceremony script and your overall event design. Write your own vows. Write your own ceremony!
Embrace your own traditions. Yes most of the wedding blogs you will read will talk about lots of tradition based in the patriarchy like what side the groom stands and what side the bride stands at the ceremony. They will talk about bridesmaids and groomsmen. There will be recommendations on very traditional elements that make up a ceremony. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANY OF THIS. You can literally make up your own traditions based on your style, interests and relationship. You don’t have to have a wedding party. You can have a wedding band. Or just flower friends. Or no one at all. You can both enter the ceremony at the same time. You can do what you want to do.
Attire. There are several shops that are starting to open up and they are often located in the major cities. in Chicago, check out Richards Fabulous Finds for some fun offbeat attire, LGBTQ owned and operated. Also check out Uncommon Closet for alterations. They are one of our favorite vendors to recommend in Chicago. If you’re outside of Chicago, we also love Sharpe Suiting!
Reach out for support. Hire a wedding planning team who is explicit about being an ally and being inclusive. They will have resources and vendors to share with you who are super inclusive and on your side. Ask for advice from a friend who got married in your community. Join LGBTQ+ wedding blogs like Catalyst Wed.
Show your Pride! Embrace who you are and who you love. Feel free to encourage guests to use pronouns at your wedding - offer them buttons to wear! Rock out a PRIDE sugar pour (see below). Have fun with rainbow decor and go crazy or keep it subtle and ask your planner to style your favorite pride pieces around the wedding like on your guestbook table!

Tips on how to be more inclusive as a wedding vendor or wedding guest:

Ask for Gender Pronouns and always state your own. Do this upon the first meeting with your couple and let them know what your pronouns are. If you aren’t sure of the pronouns of the wedding party or other vendors - ask! It’s okay. See #3 on making assumptions.
Ask for titles. What would the couple like to be referred as? Bride and bride? Groom and groom? Partner and spouse? The couple? Captain and first mate?
Don’t make assumptions. Do your homework and talk to the couple the first time you meet them. Don’t assume their gender or their roles. Don’t assume in a cis-gendered male / female relationship that the female is going to take the male’s last name.
Change your language! I can’t tell you how many venue tours I’ve been on and the venue manager still uses words like “bridal suite”. Instead use “getting ready room” “wedding suite” “green room”. Instead of bridal party use “wedding party.” Remove words like “Hey guys” from your vocabulary. Consider “hey ya’ll” “hi folks” “hey you two”. Drop words like bridesmaids and groomsmen. Instead use words like “attendants” and “bffs”. Rather than asking about the bachelor and bachelorette parties ask about the “bachelorX” party or the “bach bash”.
Change your copy and documents! We still see “bride” and “groom” and “bridal party” all the time on websites, social media, contracts, proposals and other documents. Use gender neutral language! Your future LGBTQ+ friend or couple will not feel represented if they are looking at your instagram feed and see you using binary language.
Showcase photos of LGBTQ+ people and people of color. Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, Non-Binary and Queer couples won’t feel seen or heard if they go on your website and they only see white, straight cis-gendered couples. If you haven’t worked with people of color or LGBTQ+ couples and would like to - produce a styled shoot! Hire (and pay) real couples or models (who actually identify as LGBTQ+) and are people of color. Have fun! Partner with other weddings vendors and businesses who are BIPOC and LGBTQ+.
Educate yourself. Google is a great resource. If there is something you don’t understand look it up! Ask a colleague who you admire. Try not to put all of the questions on the couple. It’s not their job to educate you.
Be an ally. Educate yourself. Be explicit about your ally ship everywhere you can. See #7. Create an ally pledge and share it on your website and social media. Share it with the world.

Photo credit: Michelle Lytle Photography

OUR INTERVIEW WITH LINDSAY AND RIN

We want to give a special thank you to Rin and Lindsay, one of our favorite LGBTQ+ couples we have worked with recently. We helped plan their micro-wedding at Big Delicious Planet which you can see here! We interviewed them and recorded the full interview which you can see below! Check it out!

What does being an ally mean?

It’s a learning process. Being an ally is about always growing and continuing education. Looking at other people’s perspectives. Learning how to be more supportive. It’s also keeping intersectionality in mind. Being an ally to all LGBTQ+ people no matter their religion, race, class or gender. There’s all these other aspects and matter of a person’s identity that is just as important!

What was the most challenging part of planning your wedding as a LGBTQ+ couple?

Navigating all of the gendered language and traditions. Weddings have a set and prescribed way of doing things that are very traditional. We were surprised to see that many makeup and hair companies still use language like “bridal party.” It was also really challenging finding attire that worked for both of us but we found Uncommon Closet which we loved! They were super easy to work with and inclusive.

What was the most exciting part of planning your wedding as a LGBTQ+ couple?

Once you realize gender is a construct and there really are no rules. As real as the pressures and expectations might be, it’s supposed to be about the couple. It’s a two sided thing like oh I feel so worried about doing this because I’m the bride - but once you let that go and let yourself experience it authentically in many ways it’s very exciting! We loved coming up with unique ideas like the Pride sugar pour in lieu of the traditional sand pour. Our queer take on the sand pour. We are going to eventually use the sugar to decorate and bake a cake. Lindsay loves to bake! Instead of rings we had bangles made by Lee lee’s Garden. We incoporated succulents into bangles which we exchanged during the ceremony.

What should wedding industry folk know who are helping to plan LGBTQ+ weddings?

The number one thing is respecting gender pronouns and titles. Making it open ended and inclusive. Make sure you ask the couple how they would like to be referred to. Offering as many opportunities as possible rather than assuming. Let the couple tell you their story and their identities. A big part where I still see that as a trans person is on paperwork that will say the bride’s name and the groom’s name. Provide areas like spouse 1 and spouse 2 and let the couple dictate what they would like to be called. Hair and makeup is another specific part of the industry that needs a look at. Any and all makeup and hair services will use terms like “bridal prices for bridesmaids.” Not everyone who wants makeup is a bride. This speaks to something larger to gender tax like women’s hair cuts based on the very binary idea of ‘women have long hair’. There are cis-gendered men that have long hair! Charging based on the service rather than the presumed person your performing services on goes a long way to make sure there isn’t a micro-aggression against anyone.

What made wedding planning easier for you as an LGBTQ+ couple?

Hiring Fierce Productions has been so pivotal in the process. At first when starting to plan we weren’t sure which direction to go in but we definitely knew we needed help with the process. Clear, consistent line of communication filtered through one person makes things so much more manageable.

What should guests and vendors know who are attending LGBTQ+ weddings?

Be ready to be an ally and to model appropriate behavior to other guests and vendors. Big things like using correct pronouns and titles and normalizing this. Not burdening the couple with traditional cis, heteronormative expectations. It’s dangerous to think that the LGBTQ community is monolithic. It’s not a one size fits all! There were certain gendered aspects of our wedding that we were okay with. Don’t make your expectations the couple’s expectations.

Wedding Planning for LGBTQ+ Couples